I've been around for a long time now, but haven't written anything.
Would anyone think it was strange if I said that it's been nearly seven years, and I'm just now starting to deal with what happened to me?
I was messed up before it happened, but now I'm starting to realize that the things I'd done, the feelings I'd felt, all the stuff I thought was me "dealing" was really just "coping." Dealing good, coping bad. Coping is just a way of pushing it aside and learning to live around it rather than with it.
My rape was my introduction into the world of sexual intercourse. My experience prior to had consisted of a few makeout sessions... I once let someone suckle my nipples, and I reluctantly had fondled a hard penis through clothing.
My choice to wait to explore my physical pleasure and sexuality until I'd found the exact right person I was comfortable with perhaps made the assault all the more traumatizing.
So, from then on, there was no exploration. If someone showed the slightest interest, I ripped my clothes off and did whatever they wanted, no questions, no waiting. I guess I thought it was easire that way... if you didn't give them what they wanted, they'd take it anyway. And besides, why waste time exploring and discovering and whatnot... the sooner everyone cums, the sooner it's all over.
Don't get me wrong. I love sexual pleasure. I even enjoy sex itself. But it's all just sex. Doesn't matter who, where, when...
Promiscuous isn't the word to describe what I became. And I wasn't always careful. Now, I'm paying the price.
And it's only because of that price that I'm taking stock of the situation and realizing that I've strayed so far from my own true path that I may never find it again, and that I let my rape and my reaction to it (and my refusal to deal with it) define me. I'm ready to deal, but I'm scared as hell... and feeling very very alone. What if I become "me" and no one likes that person, or worse, no one loves her?
Too much to deal with... going to meltdown...